A Father's Mistakes
by jennynivea
Summary: Alec goes to see his father after a Clave meeting and learns some truths. Spoilers for Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy, The Evil We Love.


A Father's Mistakes

Alec wandered through the Inquisitor's house, making his way to the study, where he assumed his father would be. He had come to Idris for a Clave meeting and ended up speaking with Catarina Loss after the meeting. By the time they had parted ways, his father was nowhere to be found.

After Jocelyn and Luke's wedding, they hadn't spoken. He knew that his father wanted to spend time with him but wasn't going to push it if it wasn't what Alec wanted. The ball was in Alec's court.

Alec still didn't know how to feel about the older Lightwood but he had decided to give the man a chance.

When he reached the study, the first thing he noticed was the eeriness. Silence hang over the dark room, only light from the setting sun seeping through semi-shut curtains. In the middle of the room, seated at a large table, was his father. The man was wearing his formal attire from the meeting but looked more disheveled than he had an hour ago, the air of importance he had carried not present, leaving the burly man looking lost, nursing a glass of whiskey in his hands.

He looked up as Alec entered the room. Something flickered across his face. Surprise? Hope? Alec couldn't tell.

"Would you like a glass?" he said, kicking the chair in front of him out so that it slid from underneath the table, a silent gesture inviting him to take a seat opposite him.

Alec stepped into the room and flicked on the light. His father flinched but didn't protest, waiting for his son to take a seat.

A half-empty bottle of whiskey sat beside his glass and Alec frowned. "Did you drink all of that now?" he asked.

Robert ignored the question, instead, taking a sip of the liquid in his glass. "I didn't expect to see you here," he said.

"Neither did I," Alec responded honestly.

"You were talking with that warlock."

Annoyance and anger bubbled inside Alec. "She has a name," he snapped.

"Yes, of course," he said, looking surprisingly abashed. "Catarina Loss."

"Maybe I should go."

"Please don't," Robert said, sounding so vulnerable, Alec stared at him speechlessly. This was a man Alec did not recognize.

"There are so many things," he started. He took another sip of his drink and Alec had to refrain himself from taking the glass away from him. "So many secrets. And it all come down to one thing. My biggest secret."

Alec shifted uncomfortably. He had already told him about his parabatai. What else was his father keeping from him?

He looked up at his son, his blue eyes staring into Alec's. "I'm a coward," he whispered. "Everything comes down to that."

That was the last thing Alec expected to come out of his father's mouth.

"You know son, when I was a child, when I was getting my first Mark, my body rejected it."

Alec's eyes widened. That couldn't be possible. He looked at his father, his skin littered with runes and scares of old Marks. He had heard stories of those born to shadowhunters who could not bear the Mark. They had to cut the Mark and live as a mundane, destroying the family reputation in the process.

Alec almost scowled. Shadowhunters and their obsession with reputations.

"I learned then that my parents' love had limits and they would rather I die from the Mark than live as a mundane."

"I am all too familiar with the limits of a parent's love," Alec retorted, despite his state of shock.

Robert flinched, his fingers tightening around his glass, as if it was a lifeline.

"You are what I love most in this world, Alec. You and Isabelle and...and Max."

Alec scowled, unable to believe the man who he had spent so much of his life fearing his rejection, only to be proven right when he came out.

"The Lightwood name has survived a lot of tarnish," he said, somberly. "Demon pox, rejection of the Mark, joining the Circle."

"Having a gay son," Alec finished, spitefully. He didn't know why he came here. Maybe he couldn't forgive his father.

"No," he said firmly. Robert reached out and grasped Alec's hand. The younger man jerked and tried to pull away. "I was so cruel. I forgot how my parents treated me and in turn treated you as they had."

"For years, I lived in fear of your rejection. There were times when I hoped that I would fall asleep and never wake up," Alec whispered, hating himself for showing his vulnerability but being unable to keep it in.

Robert flinched and Alec forcefully drew his hand away.

"But I'm done feeling like I'm somehow damaged."

"I never loved your mother like I was supposed to. I love her and I always will but it was never what Jocelyn and Luke have or...or you and Magnus."

Alec stared at his father. It was first time that he had acknowledged the love between Magnus and him.

"Someone that I cared very deeply for once described love as being known and creating something new. Knowing the ugliest part of someone and still loving them...that two people in love was more than the sum of their parts, like the love creates a new world that exists just for the two people."

Alec thought about his relationship with Magnus. How he had struggled with the not knowing...like something was missing without knowing more of Magnus. He thought about how they were now, how when he was with him, it was like they were in their own world, a world made up of their love for each other. Something bigger than the two of them.

Suddenly, Alec felt sorry for his parents. His parents, who had many years of experience, but had not had what he had with Magnus. Was it too late for his parents?

"Did you love someone else? Annamarie Highsmith?" The name left a bad taste in his mouth.

"No, I did not love her."

"And yet you were willing to leave mom, leave Isabelle and me for her?" he said, the anger back with a vengeance. "You claim to love your children so much but you would have left us for someone you didn't even love."

"I have made so many mistakes."

"So many excuses," Alec snapped.

"I'm not making excuses," he said. "I want to own up to the things that I have done wrong. My relationship with your mother was spiraling out of control and being with Annamarie felt easier. But it was wrong of me to even consider it."

"So, you have never been in love?"

He was silent, his eyes taking on a far-off look. Finally he looked at Alec, the sadness in his eyes almost painful to look at.

"I never allowed myself to be in love."

"Why?"

"Because it was too terrifying. Because I'm a coward. And I would rather destroy the people I love then have courage."

"I don't understand."

"No, you don't. You cannot understand because you are the bravest man I know. I look at you and I can't believe that you are my son. How could someone as brave as you have come from me?"

Alec shook his head. This conversation was almost too much for him. "What makes you think I'm so brave?"

"Oh Alexander. When you were a child, you were always so open, a sense of wonderment and honesty about you that was contagious and then something changed. You retreated into yourself, hiding yourself and the truth even though that was entirely against your nature. But when it counted, when it came to loving Magnus, you ignored the fear. You were open again and I rejected you for it."

Alec nodded stiffly. "You did," he said.

"I did not learn from my mistakes," he whispered.

Alec knew he was talking about his parabatai now.

"We had never lied to each other. He was the person I was closest to...closer than Maryse, closer than my parents. Then he caught me in the only lie I had ever given him and I learned that he was lying to me everyday."

"Because he was in love with you," Alec said.

He nodded. "And I was a coward. It always comes back to that, Alexander."

Alec didn't know what to say.

"I broke his heart," he whispered.

Alec flinched. He could keenly feel how Michael would have felt. Even though he was never actually in love with Jace, he knew that he would have shattered if Jace had rejected him.

"But I broke my own heart in doing so."

Alec looked at him sharply. "What do you mean?"

"I'll never know, Alexander. Michael knew me. Michael knew me at my ugliest and he still loved me. And when we were together, it was like we were in our own world, just the two us, in perfect harmony."

Alec stared. "What are you saying?"

Robert reached for the bottle of whiskey but Alec was faster, drawing the bottle away from his reach. "You've had enough."

"I rejected him."

"Did you love him?" Alec asked, his voice trembled slightly.

"I think I might of," he whispered. "But I was too afraid to think about it...to acknowledge the possibility."

Alec stood up abruptly and turned away from his father, his body shaking.

He didn't know what to think.

So much of his life was spent terrified of rejection from the people he loved the most and then his father had done exactly what he feared. His father knew how it felt to feel rejected by his parents. And now it seemed, he might have known what it felt to have a love that was not accepted by his world.

He heard his father moving. He felt strong arms on his shoulders, spinning him around. Alec's vision was blurred. "What you did to him...what you did to me..."

Robert nodded, his own eyes shining. "It's unforgivable, I know." The smell of whiskey was strong on his breath.

The younger man blinked. The sadness and weariness seemed to age his father beyond his years and the way his shoulders hunched in shame made him seem smaller and less intimidating than Alec was accustomed to.

Alec sighed and gently took a hold of his father's arm, leading him to the kitchen for some food.

* * *

A/N: Do I think Robert was in love with Michael? Maybe, maybe not. I think it's open to interpretation and this is just one of many possible interpretations.


End file.
